Care How You Are
by Nette
Summary: Carter comes back from his trip to be there for Abby.


Title: Care How You Are  
  
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think!  
  
Spoilers: Based on spoilers for 9.15!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything . ; )  
  
Author's Notes: The title is part of the lyrics from "Coffee & TV" by Blur.  
  
I stand in front of her apartment door, searching for my keys in my pockets. Did I take them with me? I'm pretty sure I did.  
  
I'm tired. I didn't plan to go to Belize and come back within only a few hours. But I had to come back.  
  
Why did I go at all? How could I leave her? I should have been there for her. Now I fear the moment I see her, how I will find her.  
  
She told me not to come, but I know that I have to and that she wants it. She paged me.  
  
I did not only come back for her. Though to be with her is my biggest wish at the moment. I want to be close to her now, feel her in my arms. But I also want to know what happened to Eric. I fear the worst, but I'd never tell her that.  
  
Though I know what she thinks, I could hear it in her voice on the phone. How she desperately tried to change the subject. And she didn't want me to come, like nothing happened. She didn't tell me much, just that he is missing, went off radar. I hope all this turns out good.  
  
Finally, I find my keys. I open the door and hear nothing. I hope she's at home.  
  
I close the door behind myself and put my bag on the floor, carefully. I don't want to wake her up in case she's sleeping. On my way through the apartment to find her I come across the kitchen. I see a bottle on the table, it looks like Tequila. I feel a pain in my heart. I can imagine how much she must be suffering, alone the whole night. I'm not angry or disappointed, just very worried.  
  
I go over to the table and take the bottle in my hands. She did not open it, I'm relieved. But I'm glad that I'm here now.  
  
I go on and see her standing in the bedroom. She stands in front of the window, stares outside with her back towards me. Something is standing on the shelf in front of her. She didn't hear me yet, she must be deep in thoughts. I feel the need to wrap my arms around her and hold her to make her feel better.  
  
I walk up to her. "Hey.", I say, standing a few centimetres behind her. I'm not sure what she needs right now. I will leave it to her. I'll just be there, for talking or whatever she needs.  
  
She turns around and looks at me, surprised.  
  
She looks awful, like she didn't sleep for weeks. I'm glad that she's okay, physically. And I think I can see that she's glad, too because I'm here. I'm sure that it's what she needs now, not to be alone with all her pain.  
  
"Carter.", she says, hardly above a whisper. "You didn't have to .", she starts to say. And I know exactly what she is trying to tell me. But I know better.  
  
"You know I had to. My heart told me that I had to."  
  
I can tell that she's fighting back tears, though she is staring down now at what is standing in front of her. Standing there I can see what it is. It's a picture of Eric in a plane. It's wet, from her tears probably.  
  
"Did they find him?", I ask, hoping for a positive answer, but I already know that there is none.  
  
She just shakes her head. "They said they'd call if there are any news.", she says and I can hear her voice cracking with every word she says. She raises her hand to take some strands of hair out of her face. I can see that her hand is shaking.  
  
I raise my own hand to do it for her and take her hand in mine. I put my other hand on her back. She sighs deeply at the touch of my hand and I start rubbing her back slowly and carefully. She looks so fragile, I don't want to hurt her.  
  
"I'm so sorry Abby.", I whisper. And I really am. I know what it's like to lose a brother. And I know how much she loves him. Nothing is for sure yet, I still hope that he's alive. But I know that she already lost all her hope. "I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you when you got the news."  
  
I can see tears forming in her eyes now, like the sound of my voice has the power to break down the walls around her.  
  
I let go of her hand and stroke her face. I notice a single tear running down.  
  
"Come here.", I say when I see a second tear and I open my arms for her, pull her towards me and put my arms around her. I feel her hands holding onto me. I can feel that it's what she needs right now. There is no need for more words. We both know that we can't change the situation. All I can do is to be with her and comfort her.  
  
Now she starts crying freely. I can feel her trembling in my arms and my shirt becomes wet. I tighten my embrace and kiss the top of her head, my arms are running up and down her back slowly. "It's okay to cry. Everything will be alright.", I say to assure her that it is okay for me to be there for her. She mumbles something into my chest, but I can't understand what it is. It sounds like 'thank you'. She tightens her embrace and I feel tears in my own eyes now. I feel for her, all her pain. And I'm sad about Eric myself.  
  
We stay like that for a while. And it helps us both. After a few moments I start walking with her towards the bed. We both need sleep.  
  
She sits down on the bed and I take off her shoes and jeans and put the blanket over her. She crawls up like a baby immediately. "I'll be right back.", I say and kiss her forehead. She grabs my hand and holds it, until I'm out of her reach. She let's go of it and I hurry to the bathroom. I take off my shoes and my trousers, too, go back and crawl behind her. I put my arm around her. She turns around and I roll on my back. She comes close to me, puts her arms around me and her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and listen to her breathing.  
  
I think she is already sleeping when I hear her say something. "Thank you for coming back. I love you." "I love you , too", I say, not able to bring out only one more word. Then she drifts off into sleep.  
  
I'm still awake, thinking about her last words. I'm overwhelmed with feelings. I still have tears in my eyes. I drift off into sleep after some minutes, too, knowing that the woman I love loves me, too.  
  
***  
  
She's still asleep when I wake up, our bodies still close. I can feel her warmth. I look at my watch. We have slept for 9 hours.  
  
I just enjoy watching her sleep when I hear the phone ring. I try to get out of bed quickly without waking her up.  
  
I answer the phone, it's Maggie. They found Eric, he is okay. I start crying. I'm so relieved and can't wait to tell Abby the good news. 


End file.
